I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I think people are normalizing furries
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