It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize