I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
