put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want to fling myself into the sun
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
