My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
