is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
