i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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