I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
