I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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