I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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