I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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