You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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