id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
worst night to have a conscience
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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