I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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