saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize