Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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