I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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