Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
