she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
