My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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