where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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