Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I pour the whiskey from now on
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
