Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
