Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
