We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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