a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
