My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
