you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
