Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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