WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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