is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
