Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
