My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
