Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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