my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
