Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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