before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The Olympian is in my bed
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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