mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I intend to get homeless drunk
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize