o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
In other news, I just burned my penis
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
