i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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