OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
