Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
