Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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