I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Hippo gnu deer
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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