he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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