his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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