I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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