we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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