Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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