I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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