I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
