The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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