While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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