HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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