dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
