did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
one two three fourrrrnication!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
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