I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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