Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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