i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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